you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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