Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
