can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We have started to decorate penises.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
