Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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