Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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