Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
