i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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