I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
