It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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