Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
