Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
