Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
two words: eviction party
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
