I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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