The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
