I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
