my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
