Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
