Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize