Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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