I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
babies were throwing up all over the place
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
