Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
