can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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