my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
