My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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