I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
