What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
