Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I will be naked everywhere
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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