Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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