Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
