you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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