Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
