if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
