Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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