I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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