youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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