Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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