well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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