I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
