Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
