im drinking this country out of the recession.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
