I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
