i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
