I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
