dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
farters have to be the big spoon...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
