youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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