my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize