Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
