I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
