i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
