my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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