The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
