If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
