Yo dont text me then not text me
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
