Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
