Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
