ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
