Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
