i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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