it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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