Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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